Middle Adulthood, Death and Dying

Women are impressive creatures, and it makes me even prouder to be one when I read about our positive response to middle-adulthood. As mentioned in a presentation on Tuesday, we often believe growing older will be a drag, so it is, physically and emotionally. This logic applies to many areas of life, from young to old age, if we believe something will happen, we are more likely to fulfill that prophesy.

My peers often worry about the future and what it will be like to no longer be 20. They foresee a weakening mind and body and a loss of interest in the world as we will start to lose interest in it as well. I don't think it needs to be this way. In the TIMES article, "Midlife Crisis? Bring It On!", it says that women passed their forties are more inspired and seem to fall in love with a life of possibilities all over again, realizing that life still holds wonderful treasures. They believe they will stay healthier longer than men do and are more proactive by joining gyms at twice the rate. In middle-age, when kids move out of the house, women are often presented with the opportunity to re-discover themselves and re-familiarize themselves with old goals and with new ones to pursue. This article shared a lot of stories of women successfully overcoming the stereotypical mid-life crisis, coming out confident and soaring. These are the things we young people need to hear.

With both mid-life and old-age, there is such a hazy, misunderstood apprehension for all who have not reached it yet. But if I honestly ask myself what is so daunting about middle-age, I am stumped. Is it that we will be tied down? Is it that we will have experienced about half of our life? That we will probably have kids? Will it be that we won't be able to abuse our bodies the way we do now? It seems that most of these things have two sides of them and can be seen as either negative or just some of the many adventures of life!

I wouldn't say I am now looking forward to my forties, but I'm definitely not dreading them!

As I mentioned previously, I believe the same mentality can go for old age and death and dying. Most of us are afraid that when we are old we will be suffering. With this fear in mind, it is understandable that many of us distance and estrange ourselves from this population, giving the impression that if we avoid it it will be less of a reality for everyone. In the process of distancing ourselves, we diminish the importance of including elders in our social groups, dismissing their input. This harms the younger generation because we miss the opportunity to learn from people who have lengthy life experience and it hurts them because they devalue themselves as well.

How much energy are we socially spending on being fearful of those more experiences than us and what are the consequences of separating ourselves by cohort or generation? Would there be caos if we all spoke to each other as equals, expecting to learn from each other?

When it comes to marriage, I let my mind imagine what it would be like but also try to hold myself back from believing too many of the fantasies and ideals our culture provides. I am at a point in my life where I am starting to learn about what I truly want in a partner and a long term partnership and marriage is always becoming easier to realistically imagine. Since I am in this stage, discussions on the longevity of marriages and factors contributing to its failures are naturally interesting to me.

One of the most interesting ideas brought up about finding one's partner is our infatuation with the idea of a 'soul mate'. The idea that there is a person in the world for everyone with whom they will never fight and will be perfectly compatible is something we learn to believe through our culture and media. On the basic level we often experience adolescents (especially girls) waiting for their perfect match and breaking up with their partner after the first fight, which is something we've come to accept and often dismiss as a teenage phase. What I found surprising but interesting was the manifestation of this idea in single and married adults. Even if they are in a steady and healthy relationship, it is not uncommon to linger on thoughts that there could be a better match for you. The sad thing is that we don't have many visible examples and role models of real lasting relationship.

Whenever I have questions about the normalcy of an issue in my relationship I don't have anyone with long-term experience to calm my fears and reassure me that it is normal and give pointers on how to get through it. Not only does our culture promote a constant strive for something 'better' but this characteristic has been so ingrained in us that my generation and those younger will soon have no role models whatsoever to turn around this phase of insecurity and instability. If I have no one in my life that has stayed in a relationship without ending it and has the experience to help me through any difficulties I may have, where does that leave my children who will have a mother that has no more knowledge on the matter than they?

As an example you gave in a previous class about the Kenyan marriage boards and support offered by the family, I believe that familiar success comes from the knowledge and understandings of elders, people who hopefully have much more experience on the matter then a young couple.

Another interesting aspect of this I can tie back to my previous post about choices and that a contributing factor to our indecisiveness comes from all the options we have for partners. Due to our way of living in large cities, everyone is exposed to numerous options of same race, economic standing, career and family background. How do you think that having innumerable mating options can be a negative thing? Isn't the American Dream to be able to pave your own path from every possible scenario? The thing is, does having so many options make us happier? The end result of happiness is always how I just the success of a practice or decision. I don't think we are happier because of this. What are ways we could accept who we've chosen to begin with?

My mother once told me something that ultimately broke the bubble I had around 'true love'. Marriage is not about finding your perfect match or soul mate, it's about committing to chose them over anyone else you might fall in love with later on. She told me that I would undoubtedly have feelings for another or even fall in love again after being married, but that the most important thing was commitment and to not follow through. I think constantly about this statement and have already considered it in my current relationship and for my future. Though my mother hasn't been married for many years, it's this kind of advice and guidance on what realistic relationships are like that need to be spread on a larger scale.

I do understand to an extent why we want to believe that we each have a soul mate. It is a reassurance to hold onto in tough times or when coming out of a hard relationship and some people find that person so why can't we all? I still have a lot to learn about relationships, but it would be nice to not start out expecting the best, because it can only go downhill from there.